


make our steps clear

by yeswayappianway



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 11:37:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13433922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeswayappianway/pseuds/yeswayappianway
Summary: Sasha pushes himself onto his side, aiming to get back up on his skates, and sees Nicky also on the ice.That’s weird, he thinks, because he didn’t feel Nicky coming through their bond, and then it hits him-He can’t feel Nicky’s presence at all. He reaches frantically for the bond, and there’s nothing.





	make our steps clear

**Author's Note:**

  * For [quimby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/quimby/gifts).



> I didn't end up going with any of your specific prompts, but I hope you like it all the same!
> 
> thank you to coco for giving me ideas and also for the beta <3
> 
> title from If I Should Fall Behind, by Bruce Springsteen

Sasha’s taken a whole lot of falls onto the ice in his life. It’s an unavoidable side effect of playing hockey, and he’d never complain about it ordinarily. But when he was just a few seconds ago skating alone at one end of the ice, waiting for everyone else to get on the ice for practice, and now he’s on his back, staring up at the exposed pipes at the ceiling and feeling strangely shaken, well, it seems a little unfair. He’s about to look around for whoever presumably ran into him when he hears a commotion from the other end of the ice. Sasha pushes himself onto his side, aiming to get back up on his skates, and sees Nicky also on the ice.

 _That’s weird_ , he thinks, because he didn’t feel Nicky coming through their bond, and then it hits him-

He can’t feel Nicky’s presence at all. He reaches frantically for the bond, and there’s nothing. The cold of the ice seems to have made its way up his spine and Sasha doesn’t know what he’s feeling. He can’t see Nicky’s face across the ice, and he tries to remember the last time he had to rely on body language to tell how he’s feeling.

It’s too much and he lies back down, staring up at the ceiling again, and seeing nothing.

\-----

There’s an awkward silence in the room. For the last seven or so years, silences haven’t truly existed for Sasha, his constant talk with Nicky over their bond taking their place. Before waking up on the ice, he would have said, sure, there was silence a lot, Nicky didn’t talk constantly, that was his job. But now he knows better- there’s an empty quality in his head now, and the quiet is all-encompassing.

“So it was a dampener malfunction?” Nicky says quietly. It’s so strange hearing him only out loud, like listening to a recording of Sasha’s own voice. Coach Trotz nods, and then looks at the maintenance guy for more details.

The man swallows, and says, “Uh, yeah, that’s what it seems like. We had the dampeners replaced just a few days ago, in time for you guys’ practice to start back up, and they’re supposed to be a little more smooth, less bleeding around the edge of the ice. They, uh, shorted out when you were on the ice, and, well, I mean… you know what happened with your bond better than we do. I just work here,” he laughs a little, but it’s weak and he never quite makes eye contact.

Sasha ignores him and asks, “How do we fix it?” Trotz makes a face.

“I’m not sure, Alex. We’ve called a bond specialist, of course, because the trainers don’t know what to make of this. Until then, I don’t know what to tell you. Can you feel each other at all?” Sasha likes Trotz well enough, but he’s never been bonded and sometimes it frustrates Nicky. He can’t tell if Nicky is annoyed at it this time, though, because Sasha’s not looking at him. He keeps expecting to hear Nicky’s sarcastic commentary in the back of his head; nothing comes. He shakes his head.

“No,” Sasha doesn’t know how to interpret Nicky’s tone, and it’s fucking with him a lot. “It’s different from being on the ice with dampeners,” he offers. It’s true, now that Sasha thinks about it. That’s more muffled, like the quiet after a heavy snowfall, and he can still feel Nicky’s presence, even if it’s vague and there’s no direction to the feeling. Now there’s just- nothing.

Trotz grimaces, and says, “Well, I’m sorry, but it’s gonna be a little while until the bond specialist gets here. Do you want to come back to practice, or just sit out? I’m okay with either.”

Sasha says, “Yeah,” just as Nicky shakes his head and answers, “No.”

They stare at each other for a second, and Nicky frowns ever so slightly. Sasha doesn’t know what Nicky’s thinking, but he hates the idea of sitting here, the emptiness and silence between them hanging over their heads. If there’s really nothing they can do, Sasha would rather be playing hockey. Trotz looks a little taken aback, and stands up. “I’ll let you two decide what you want to do,” and he leaves the room with the maintenance guy. Neither of them say anything for a while after he’s gone. Nicky finally speaks up.

“Alex, you have to talk out loud. I can’t hear you.” He’s got an expression on like he’s concentrating on something. Sasha wonders if he’s trying anyway.

“Don’t know what to say. I hate this,” he knows he’s whining, but he can’t help himself. It’s more than justified, Sasha thinks. “Can’t do anything, might as well skate. At least it feels more normal there.”

Nicky’s face smooths out. “Oh, that makes sense. I just-” he hesitates, looking down. “I’m afraid something else will go wrong, somehow. I wasn’t on the ice yet when you went down, and you just… all the sudden, you were gone. I was… never mind. We can go back to practice if you want.”

Sasha imagines it briefly, the idea of Nicky suddenly disappearing, not being able to see him or sense him through the bond, and he feels cold again. “We can go boss everyone around at practice? Not go on ice, just watch and yell.” He can’t stand the idea of not doing anything, but Nicky’s reluctance to get back on the ice makes sense. This seems like a good compromise.

Nicky just nods.

\-----

Dr. Knouse is very nice, but Sasha hates her a little. They’ve met with her before, although she’s not the same doctor that worked with them when they first bonded, back when Nicky had joined the team. She runs them through a series of tests, the same kind of things they do every year as part of their physicals from the team, except this time, they can’t pass any of them. There’s no sign that the bond was ever there, except the vague feeling of emptiness in Sasha’s head. He doesn’t know how to explain it when Dr. Knouse asks, but Nicky speaks up.

“It’s like, ah, when you eat ice cream too fast? Except in the back of my head. Or, uh,” Nicky stops, looking back at Sasha expectantly, but he has no idea what Nicky is waiting for. “That’s what it feels like for me.”

“There’s very few records of anything like this happening,” Dr. Knouse says, “And almost none that didn’t involve some sort of traumatic brain injury on the part of one of the bonded individuals. Based on what everyone said, though, it sounds like you only fell _after_ the dampeners malfunctioned, so I don’t think that’s the case here.” She starts typing something on the laptop she brought with her, and she spins the computer around after a minute. “Here’s some information we do have, I can either email this or print it for you. Obviously, we’ll have to meet a few more times, but for now, I think all I can tell you is to keep going about your life normally while I contact some contacts and try to get some more information. I’d also like to contact the company that made the dampeners, see if they’ve had any other reports of malfunctions.” Now she actually looks mad, and it’s gratifying to see her with any expression other than pleasant interest. “This is exactly the kind of side effect they’re supposed to be absolutely sure won’t happen before they release them for public use.”

Nicky snorts. “I’m sure they’ll be very happy to talk to you about that.”

She frowns slightly. “We’ll see what I can do, or, if not me, hopefully your organization can get something from them. This isn’t something they should take lightly at all. It’s a mental injury just like a concussion, and while I’m sure many people won’t see it that way, it absolutely needs to be taken that seriously.”

Sasha has a terrible thought, but she seems to see it on his face. “No, you won’t have to stop playing. I would like for the two of you to try going somewhere else with dampeners before you play a game in them, just to see if anything changes. I’d also advise you to keep me updated on any unusual changes- mood swings, ringing in your ears, anything. We still don’t know exactly how bonds affect the brain, so it can’t hurt to be extra careful.” Dr. Knouse seems to be waiting for either of them to say anything, but there’s only silence. She hits a few keys, and says, “Alright, I’ve printed that info for you, you can pick it up at the printer out in the main office. Like I said, let me know if anything changes. I’ve given your trainers my number. Hopefully, we’ll find a way to fix this soon.” Sasha’s glad that Nicky nods and shakes her hand, because he hasn’t been listening since she reassured them they could still play. He stands up, nods at her distractedly, and follows Nicky out of the room.

He’s just staring at Nicky’s back, trying to understand the set of his shoulders, if his hands in his pockets mean he’s upset, or angry, or just cold. Sasha hates himself for how much he’s unsure of. He’s known Nicky for so long, and they’ve been together for almost all of it, and yet here he is, acting like one of the rookies who think Nicky will eat them if they say something stupid. It makes him wonder- if losing the bond throws off their relationship so much, how strong can it really be?

\-----

They had driven separately to practice, so Sasha goes straight home, and Nicky stops to pick up food on the way. Neither of them was in the mood to make dinner.

Aimlessly wandering around his house, Sasha feels Nicky’s absence all over again. While Nicky still spent plenty of nights at his own house, this was where they had spent so much time over the last few years. Nicky is everywhere, in his hoodies he leaves all over, the few pictures of them around the house, the book in Swedish left open on the kitchen counter.

When he hears the door open, Sasha hurries to the hall, and helps Nicky bring the food into the kitchen.

“I got Chinese,” Nicky says, but he pauses suddenly. “Unless… would you rather have gotten something else?” Sasha shakes his head, and it’s too much. He takes the cartons out of Nicky’s hands and crowds Nicky against the counter. He’s expecting resistance from him, but instead Nicky instantly wraps his arms around Sasha. “Fuck,” he says quietly.

Sasha agrees with the sentiment, but he tangles his hand in Nicky’s hair, tilting his head up, and leaning down to kiss him softly. Nicky’s mouth is warm and he responds, kissing back and gripping him tighter. They stay that way for a minute, intent on each other and Sasha feels better for the first time since lying on the ice. This feels the same as always, Nicky restless and solid against him. He knows, logically, that their relationship isn’t based on their bond. It’s always been an integral part of it, but most bonded pairs aren’t romantically involved, and there’s no reason for panic. It still doesn’t stop his brain from trying.

He pulls back, and smiles at Nicky’s disgruntled face. “We ok?” He asks.

Nicky’s face tightens. “I think so. Are we?” Sasha can feel his tension, and he realizes Nicky has probably been having the same kind of worries- or maybe something else he hasn’t thought of yet. They need to talk.

“Yes,” Sasha decides, “We’re ok. Let’s eat, and talk about what we do next.” He grabs some of the cartons back and heads toward their breakfast nook. Nicky shakes his head, but he’s smiling in the way that’s usually accompanied with a fond remark over the bond. Sasha smiles back, almost involuntarily.

They slide into opposite sides of the cushioned benches, and it’s quiet for a few moments as they start eating. The uncomfortable silence is still there, filling Sasha’s head, but it’s less worrying with Nicky right in front of him, making small noises as he eats.

“So. What do we do?” Sasha says, leaning back.

Nicky frowns. “Do? Alex, we can’t do anything. You heard Dr. Knouse, they don’t even know how this happened. We’ve just got to wait it out.”

“Wait it out? Nicky, we can’t just sit here. What if she doesn’t know? We can ask another doctor, talk to someone else who had bond problems.” Sasha doesn’t know why Nicky seems so confused at his suggestion. They obviously can’t let this just keep happening.

“And what’s that going to do? Alex, it’s a bond. No one even really knows how they work in the first place, what makes you think we can just find someone who can magically fix it.” He crosses his arms, and his eyes are wide in frustration.

Sasha goes cold again. “You want to just leave it? Bond breaks, oh well, just live without it. No!”

Nicky glares. “Of course I want our bond back, Alex, I just don’t think there’s anything we can _do_. And I’m not going to drive myself crazy trying to find some cure that doesn’t exist.”

“But you don’t know!” Sasha says. He’s not sure why Nicky doesn’t get this. “Just because fancy doctor doesn’t know doesn’t mean nothing exists. Maybe someone else does, and you just accept it? Fuck that,” he’s become furious at some point during this conversation, and Sasha distantly realizes he’s almost yelling.

“I’m not accepting anything.” Nicky, in contrast, is speaking very levelly. “I think there’s a good chance the bond will come back on its own, and I’m willing to wait and see if it does. In the meantime, we have hockey to play, and bond doesn’t even affect that. Plenty of couples do just fine without a bond. We’ll be fine.”

Sasha doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Fine? This is fine? Not _fine_ , Nicky.” He isn’t sure what to say next, and he abruptly doesn’t want to look at Nicky’s beautiful, inscrutable face. He slides out of the nook, and stomps upstairs. It’s early to go to bed, but not so early he can’t fuck around on his phone for a while and get some extra sleep. It’ll probably be good for him or whatever.

A hour later, when he’s finally settled in to bed, he realizes he hasn’t heard anyone moving around in the house for a long time. Did Nicky go home, he wonders, starting to reach out through the bond, before he remembers why that won’t work. The emptiness sinks back in fully, and Sasha isn’t sure he’s going to sleep well after all.

\-----

The next morning dawns, and Sasha gets out of bed before his alarm. He’d barely slept all night, unable to stay asleep for more than thirty minutes and jolting awake when his half-asleep self tried to reach out for Nicky over and over. He takes a quick shower, gets dressed, all that shit. Everything feels worse than the day before, his body aching slightly from the return to hockey and his fall, the cold emptiness in his head where Nicky should be coloring his mood. Annoyingly, the weather doesn’t cooperate with his mood, and it looks like it’s going to be a gorgeous day outside. Sasha hates it.

He has time before he’s supposed to meet a few of the guys for lunch, and he uses it to google ‘bond breaks’. There’s nothing useful, just a few articles that are way too scientific for him, and a bunch of advice columns about what to do when you want to break up with your bondmate. Sasha thought maybe he was getting close with one blog post detailing a sudden interruption in the bond, but it turns out their bondmate had gotten a concussion, and the bond grew back as they healed. Sasha scowls. He starts looking for ‘dampener malfunction’ next, but this time, the results are either ‘have you tried turning it off and back on again?’ or wild conspiracies about dampeners being secretly a government mind control tool. Usually, this is the point where Nicky would chime in and manage to search exactly the right words to find what he wanted, but of course, that isn’t going to happen today. He could text Nicky, see if he’d answer, but Sasha is still mad about Nicky giving up.

His phone chirps at him, and he curses when he looks at it. He’s late for lunch. Kuzya and Dima will have to deal with it.

\-----

“Wait, so the bond is just… gone?” Dima seems shocked, and Sasha shudders.

“No! It’s not gone, it will come back, but right now it isn’t there.” The idea of the bond being gone forever is what Sasha has been trying desperately not to think about in the last day, but he refuses to believe that could happen. The prospect of never hearing Nicky in his head again, never being able to know where he is from across the city, or never feel him vaguely when they’re both home for the summers is awful.

Dima doesn’t seem convinced, but he asks, “So how’s Backy taking it?”

Sasha makes a face. “I don’t know. He wouldn’t say much. He’s trying to be calm and _professional_ about it, I think.”

Because he’s an asshole, Kuzya laughs. “Finally! You have to try and figure him out like the rest of us now!” Sasha glares at him, and he fully ignores it.

“I don’t have to figure him out, I know Nicky,” Sasha says, very haughtily. Because Kuzya is a bad influence, Dima raises his eyebrows.

“So why don’t you know how he feels about this, then?” Sasha’s silence is obviously answer enough for them, and they both laugh.

Kuzya stops first. He says, seriously, “Sasha, just ask him. You two love each other, he’s probably just as freaked out by this whole thing as you are.”

That’s the thing, though: how is Sasha supposed to know? He’s heard plenty of the times Nicky said something completely different in his head than out loud, and without that layer of their communication, how can he know what Nicky is actually feeling? And if he can’t tell, what kind of shitty person is he that doesn’t know how the person he loves feels?

The other two must pick up on Sasha’s stormy mood, because they don’t try to keep him at the restaurant for nearly as long as usual. Kuzya gives him a quick hug as they leave, and says, “You’ll figure it out. You and Backy have been together for too long to let this mess you up.” Sasha just nods, but it’s reassuring hearing someone else have faith in them.

\-----

to: nicky 

_can i come overr_

from: nicky 

_of course_

\-----

Sasha raises his hand to knock on Nicky’s door, but it opens before he manages it. Nicky looks like shit, if he’s being honest. He has dark circles under his eyes, but his hair is a disaster the way it only even gets if he’s just taken off his helmet or woken up. The lines down his face seem to suggest that he fell asleep on the couch. Sasha wants to give him a little mental burst of love, but once again, the empty space where Nicky should be makes its existence known. Sasha follows Nicky inside.

The contents of Nicky’s various bags are strewn around the living room. Sasha is a little shocked. Nicky’s not a particularly neat person, but this looks like it took effort. He looks at Nicky, who seems to be trying to hide an expression. Sasha doesn’t know what it is, or why the room looks like this, or even if Nicky is fully awake and it’s too much, once again. He doesn’t remember silence being this much of a physical presence before their bond.

“Nicky, what happened? You okay?”

Nicky laughs, bitter and loud. “No, I’m not _okay_ , Alex. How would I be _okay_?”

Well. He’s definitely awake.

“I don’t know, Nicky, you just want to wait and see, don’t say anything else. How’m I supposed to know?”

“You could try asking!” he almost yells, and then drops onto the couch. Nicky rubs his hands over his face. “Sorry. That’s not fair. This is hard for me.”

“Hard for me too,” Sasha says, all his anger from the day before completely gone. Nicky looks so defeated, and it’s terrible. Sasha wants to comfort him but he doesn’t know if Nicky wants him to. _You could try asking_ , he hears Nicky say again, and thinks, _it can’t hurt_. “Nicky, you want me to help, do anything?”

Nicky is quiet, not looking at him for a second. And then, he says, softly, “Can you just come here?” He’s barely finished talking before Sasha is crossing the room in long strides, sitting down next to him. Nicky just leans into his side and some of the tension seems to drain out of him. “Sorry for yelling at you,” he says.

Sasha can’t help it. He laughs. “Nicky, you yell at me on ice all the time, I know what it sounds like. That’s not yelling.”

Nicky sits up, though, and looks at him intently. “But do you? Would you know for sure if I was really yelling at you?”

“Yes, of course.”

“How?” he asks, almost pleading, and Sasha realizes that he’s been an idiot.

“Because I know you, Nicky. I worried I didn’t, when the bond was gone, maybe we just don’t know how to go without it. Maybe we’re more- not clear without it, but we know each other.”

Nicky still looks skeptical. “So you weren’t worried about this at all? You knew we’d be fine all along?”

“No, fuck, Nicky, I was so scared. Am scared.” As Sasha speaks, something falls into place inside him. It’s not the bond, but it feels right nonetheless. “Don’t know how I’m going to know what you mean anymore, it’s been so bad not being able to just send you things, and it’s too quiet in my head, and I have no idea how you feel about anything.”

Nicky’s face doesn’t seem to know whether to smile or frown. “Why didn’t you say anything, Alex?”

“Why didn’t you?”

It’s quiet again. Nicky speaks up slowly, picking his words carefully. “I was afraid… that maybe you wouldn’t want to deal with this… you were so determined to find a solution and I didn’t want to worry you more. And I didn’t think of it, really. I’m so used to us talking over the bond that I didn’t think to actually ask you. We’ve never really had to do this, and I think… I was worried that I would be wrong.”

Sasha wants to ask about his acceptance of all this, but he reminds himself to slow down, actually answer Nicky. “I feel the same, I was so worried I didn’t know you for real, and I didn’t know how to ask you. Kuzya laughed at me, said I’d have to deal with you like the rest of them,” he adds, and Nicky smiles, rolling his eyes. “But, Nicky, why are you so okay with waiting? Why not look for a way to fix it?”

“I don’t… I do want to fix it, I just don’t think we can. I guess…” he stops for long enough that Sasha isn’t sure he’s going to keep talking, but then Nicky says, “I’m worried that if we try to look for a way to fix the bond and we don’t find one, we won’t be able to accept it. And I do honestly think it will come back. I just don’t think we can do anything now. If it’s a month from now, and nothing has changed, then yeah, we can try to find a solution. But what if we went somewhere to find someone to fix it, and we woke up tomorrow with the bond back to normal? I don’t want to mess with our whole lives right now to fix something that might fix itself.”

It takes Sasha a minute to sort through everything Nicky had just said, but he thinks he understands. “It’s like wanting to go back to practice- don’t want to keep worrying about the bond when we have hockey and life to go back to.” Nicky nods. “Okay, makes sense,” he continues, “but it felt like you were giving up on us already. Now you explained, I get it.”

Nicky says, wryly, “So I guess the point here is we need to talk more.”

“I’m good at that,” Sasha says brightly, as Nicky groans.

“At least this way everyone else will have to deal with it too,” he mutters.

\-----

Sasha spends the night at Nicky’s. They fall asleep wrapped up in each other, Nicky breathing steadily against Sasha’s back.

He wakes in the middle of the night, the same sensation of reaching for the bond only to find it missing jolting him completely awake. Slipping out from Nicky’s arm, he walks to the kitchen and drinks some water. He can’t remember exactly, but he thinks he’d woken up from a dream of the two of them on a beach. The team was there too, maybe? But there was something strange about the beach. Sasha gives up. Nicky was better at remembering his dreams, which is why he’d been the one to figure out that they shared them sometimes after bonding. The house is quiet, and it‘s still empty without the presence of Nicky through the bond, but Sasha sits at one of the chairs in the kitchen and tries to breathe in and out. Nicky’s house would never be as comfortable as his own, but it was lighter, more open, and he stares absently at a patch of moonlight coming in through one of the windows. The restlessness that had driven him out of bed slips away, and Sasha finishes his water before going back to the bedroom.

Nicky turns over sleepily when he gets back on the bed. “Alex? That you?”

“Yep, just me.”

“Had a stupid dream. Were on a beach but it was floating over the ocean and we couldn’t stop Burky trying to dive off the beach.”

Sasha freezes. “Nicky,” he breathes, not sure what to say next.

“Beaches don’t work that way,” Nicky mumbles, reaching out for him. Sasha allows Nicky to pull him down on to the bed.

Sasha’s almost positive that was the same dream he had woken up from, but he can’t remember enough to be sure. And of course, there’s no way to ask Nicky, especially since he seems to be asleep again.

Maybe it means something, maybe it’s just that they’re both dreaming of beaches. Sasha wants to shake Nicky awake, interrogate him, pull on the thread of their bond, but- Nicky needs to sleep. They both do. They can ask Dr. Knouse in the morning, and she can tell them if it’s a sign of improvement. In the meantime, this will have to be enough. Sasha wraps a hand gently around Nicky’s arm, and closes his eyes, hoping that sleep will come sooner than last night.


End file.
